Hash 1066

A is for the 'alf dozen who opted for the short route offered

B is for birthday and (Simon's) car boot

C is for cakes – heaps of 'em – all served by Simon from B above, and chips at the pub

D is for dog, dogs and dogging: Cassie and Twist meet the requirements for the first two definitions: candidates for the third need, kindly supply their personal details in confidence, on a post card please so we can all read it, to Hash Sec

E is for erstwhile employers: see R below

F is for flint, great clods of it strewn all along the edge of the unlit field where the trail took us: with this week's increase in prescriptions, pain killers for busted ankles are no joke

G is for our GM who went to Malmö tonight instead of Princes Risborough: what a tosser.

H is for Helen and hear yourself think: if a weekly diet of stories about skiing, training, personal bests, horse and dog grooming is sending you round the twist, join A above.

I is for incomers. They first blind the pack with their lcd powered headlamps before knocking them flat, repeating the exercise as they work their way back to the front, just as the flattened pack (does IMF furniture figure here somewhere?) are rising to their feet from the first assault. This invariably takes place on narrow muddy paths that have no passing places

J is for Judy, a practitioner of kalisthenics: see K below

K is for kalisthenics which requires the participant to straddle a five bar gate that an obliging hasher then swings backwards and forwards for the kalisthenics display to take place

L is for lost, a not uncommon occurrence when crossing a field without a trail in total darkness

M is for Motor Mouth. The obligatory minimum number of one per Hash drowns out much of the pre-trail instructions. HW3 has its fair share. For the result, see L above

N is for Natasha who laid the quality part of Simon's trail

O is for "On-On", a cry rarely heard on HW3 once hares and harriettes have completed their first three trails. Roger is our notable exception.

P and Q is for the peace and quiet that can be enjoyed on the short trail (see G and H above)

R is for redundancy with which Simon's erstwhile employers, in appreciation of his 18 years loyal service, have just rewarded him.

S is for Simon, this evening's hare but see N above + B +C

T is for Tosser: see G above: also stands for Twist, Simon's lurcher, a different twist in the tail from the one under H

U is for HW3's unbelievable clothing retrieval system: the publican at the Mayflower (R*n 1065) had scampered after Mike and Judy (last to leave the pub) with a lady's coat: they gave it to Roger who gave it to Maggie who gave it to Audrey who returned it to the pub who gave it to Mick who passed it to Kevin who sent it to Sam who returned it to Ade who wore it to a fancy dress do at which Jo rightfully claimed what was hers. (Does this qualify as one of David Mitchell's better Unbelievable truths?)

V-Z stand for rude words like vomit, witchcraft, xenogamy, Yorkshire pudding and zebu. There is minimal evidence to suggest that HW3 members actively consume any/all of these: let us keep it that way.