Hash 1379

'Twas the week before Xmas, and a rag tag band of travellers gathered outside a country inn, drawn together by a strange force, a collective journeying of which they knew not why, nor what, nor how (ed's aside:. note: probably because they were hashers and didn't have a clue at the best of times?) They milled around, shuffling uncertainly, casting fearful glances askance and wondering why they had received the calling, what was so special about them, what was their purpose…?

Suddenly from out of the dark, a Voice held forth, and commanded them to listen. The travellers fell silent in fear and amazement (ed's aside: OK, not quite silent, but marginally quieter than usual) as the Voice told them to set forth and seek 'The Symbols' which would ultimately prove their faith. "
"But what do we seek?" they cried in unison to the voice before them.
"You seek the angels. And ye shall know when ye are in their presence, for they shall appear before you out of the darkness, glowing white with celestial light" (ed's asde:. or alternatively, looking rather like a drunken octopus drawn in flour….we're not too fussy round these parts).
"And how shall we find these Symbols?", they chorused in unison
"You will follow the signs, for they shall guide you and they shall lead you safely back here, whereupon you shall give thanks for your safe return", intoned the voice (somewhat cryptically)
"And how shall we give thanks?", they chanted (OK, getting a bit monotonous now….move it on please!)
"You shall sing to the Lord, and if you are true of heart, he will appear before you" (wow, there's a turn-up for the books - best get off pronto then eh?!)

The travellers moved off as one, their eyes dancing with excitement, the youngsters running, the elders hurrying, the old and sick bringing up the rear, and the one they called 'Hawkeye' indulging in some strange rhythmic movement, as though possessed by a higher force. The signs led them into the cold dark woods, but they were not afraid for The Voice kept sounding from the darkness behind them, "Watch out for those roots…….oh do be careful….there's a low hanging branch round here somewhere….I'm worried somebody's going to bang their head on it…it's really quite dangerous you know!"

Down Hugh's Valley they journeyed, calling nervously to each other as bestial noises sounded all around them in the darkness (ed's aside. Come on! Don't exaggerate - they were only the hash hounds!) Strange shapes revealed themselves before the glow of their flickering lights, and the travellers were duly amazed at the sights they saw:
"Look! The erection of St Richard appears there yonder…I'm sure that was one of his flues" intoned the one who went by the name of Sooper Cooper.
"An ice house? I wonder what they ever put in there?" opined the young innocent Jess.

Forsooth, they then came to a fork in the road before them, and the path ahead was indeed treacherous. The weary were instructed to take the lower road, whilst the young, fit, and Brother Anthony (who hadn't heard the Long/Short split and so went the wrong way anyway) took the path less travelled and disappeared up into the inky blackness, their lights dancing like fireflies amongst the trees, their voices strong and full of good cheer.

Then lo! Glowing on the ground before the weary was the vision, the sign they had been promised! A celestial image in earthly form, the manifestation of the very dust of angels (erm, I wouldn't refer to it as 'angel dust' if I were you - the police were only here a couple of days ago investigating a drugs-related suicide….if you know what I mean?). Full of cheer, the weary group of travellers raised the voices and thanked the Lord, and hence forth christened their hashoir 'Ding Dong' after the thanks they would henceforth sing, intoning this as in the manner of a suave charmer (note: cultural reference point for those born in the 80's/90s - I'm looking at Sarah & Bibby in particular here - Leslie Phillips was an actor in the 1960s whose catchphrase was a lascivious 'Ding Dong!')

'They followed a light and came down to a shed, Where a mother and child were lying there on a bed' (no hang on, sorry, went a bit off piste there - this is not a Chris de Bergh song….now where was I…..ah yes…) - the weary travellers soon came upon The Star (or at least a very brightly-lit Xmas tree), which hung over the local tavern where The Voice had previously told them they were due to give thanks and praise. The other (more active) travellers happened back shortly afterwards, speaking excitedly about visions of angels, lunar sightings, and the fact that there was Directors ESB on draft at 5.4% (see Hashalator for further details).

After feasting on bread and root tubers, the first hashoir gave forth their thanks in song with the afore-mentioned 'Ding Dong', followed by other hashoirs intoning incantations of sounds so sweet that some in the audience were left tearful of the eye (the fact they were laughing so hard they could hardly breathe was neither here nor there).

And lo! Beholden to them appeared 2 children of God (well, 1 baby and a dodgy-looking bearded Wise Man whom we'll refer to as Dr. Dan), lying asleep afore their eyes. So the travellers hushed, bowed down, and gave thanks and praise for this miraculous vision. Well, all apart from Roger (aka Pontius Pilate - now there's a hash name!?!) who rent the air astride with a whistle so loud that the babe was awoke and the moment was shattered.

With the heavenly spell broken, the travellers began to drift off back to their dwellings, but not before giving thanks for the guidance of The Voice (trademarked Bibby-Berry-Staines, no reproduction allowed without specific prior permission) the generosity of the tavern, and the joy of their collective safe return.

Such was their happiness, they agreed to meet again the following week, even closer to a place of worship and a place of sanctuary…..and this time, they would come properly dressed for the occasion!