[High Wycombe Police Station. A PC bursts breathlessly into a meeting room] "Sarge, Sarge…there's a report just in from Lacey Green…mysterious markings seen on the ground. Either salt or flour. Might be those Triads we nearly collared back in Feb '13? Or Barney the Finger from that Princes Risborough crime wave?"
[Sarge] "Good work Chris P. Check it out - either way, we need to bring 'em to justice.
[PC Chris P Bacon] "Will do Sarge. I've an idea - remember they all communicate electronically? I could hack into their social media accounts, track 'em, follow 'em, and catch 'em in the act"
What follows is a real-life transcript of the case, as at 23:00, as it unfolded that evening on Tue 17th June …..
Gerry @reddragon - 7h @mattscribbler Ade can't make it tonight - trapped wind. Still, it's an ill wind that blows no good. You're now in the chair.
Matt @mattscribbler - 7h @reddragon OK. Make sure you have plenty of material for me. Lacey Green, 19:45
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 6h @Sarge Must be the Triads. They have 'material' and are going to make the drop tonight. I'll be there in CID disguise.
HWPolice @Sarge - 6h @ChrisPBacon Be careful, they're dangerous - remember the virgin sacrifices last time. By the way, what's 'CID disguise'?
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 6h @Sarge CID - Cow Improvisation Device
Whipping Boy - Endomondo device #45623
[Watch synchronised 19:48 with Sooper Cooper, The Black Boy Pub]
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 3h10m @Sarge I'm hiding in the bushes over the road. They're gathered in the car park. Couldn't hear properly but something from the guy called the 'GM' about 'sacrificing virgins' tonight.
HWPolice @Sarge - 3h08m @ChrisPBacon Ruthless b*stards - must be disposing of informers! Tweet back any snippets you overhear. Full authority to hack into any devices. Will need everything we can get as evidence.
Whipping Boy - Endomondo device #45623 [0.5m, 6:38s, -28m total elevation, Grim's Ditch]
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 3h01m @Sarge They've stopped and are splitting up into two groups. Might be onto me - it's muddy and this cow costume keeps getting caught on branches.
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 2h58m @Sarge Must be getting closer to the stash. Think the code word is 'On On'. They're nervous though - scouts keep running to the front then returning to the rear of the group. Constantly on the look-out.
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 2h56m @Sarge Also an outrider with them. Called Hawkeye. Probably the package carrier.
Whipping Boy - Endomondo device #45623 [1.4m, 19:14s, +35m elevation, Kingswood House]
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 2h45m @Sarge They just ran through the garden of a property marked with a flour circle. Must have been a pick-up. Missed it - my udder got caught in the bushes.
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 2h38m @Sarge Am going to try to get ahead of the 'Long' group. Will set a trap for the outrider and recover the package.
Whipping Boy - Endomondo device #45623 [2.9m, 33:54s, +95m total elevation, Ferns Farm]
SMS text message from Graham #0775 5689034 to Wycombe A&E, sent at 20:28 on Tue 17 Jun
Can I have an urgent appt for tomorrow please. Whiplash injury.
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 2h10m @Sarge Damn! Set up a trip-wire with a holly bush. Nearly got him. One of his buddies pulled him back. Will try to get ahead again, but starting to overheat in this outfit.
Whipping Boy - Endomondo device #45623 [4.1m, 45:11s, +148m total elevation, Parslow's Hillock]
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 2h04m @Sarge They're very jumpy. One of the shaven minders - think it's Ken - keeps stopping suddenly before any of the code numbers. Looking furtively around him. I think he knows he's being followed.
SMS text message from Helen #0790 883312 to Italy, sent at 20:46 on Tue 17 Jun
No ! I do not have those documents in triplicate. Please confirm that everything will go ahead as planned in August. There is no room for error. You do not want to make me angry.
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 1h59m @Sarge Oh shit! I think we're following the Mafia - not the Triads!
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 1h58m @Sarge Must be the Mafia Sarge - just overheard another Italian codename - Andy Pandy Leonardo-Shovelfoot. Says he loves all this 'shit'. This is gonna be massive Sarge!
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 1h58m @ChrisP Be very careful lad - don't get caught. You know what they do with horses' heads….
Whipping Boy - Endomondo device #45623 [5.5m, 64:44s, +218m total elevation, Loosley Row Windmill]
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 1h52m @Sarge I'm in position Sarge - camouflaged amongst a herd of cows near the windmill. They'll never spot me. Will intercept the outrider when he comes up the hill with the package.
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 1h52m @ChrisP Keep your phone on lad, so we can record anything the outrider says.
Live phone transcript from Wycombe Police mobile device #4356
"Sheesh it's hot in here….let me just pull the zip down a bit by my tail….they'll never see my backside if I face down the hill……ah, that's better…….oh, what's that…..arghhhhhh……Sarge, they've got me, they've got me…..noooooo, you don't have to do that, you don't……" [note - phone line went dead at 21:12]
Whipping Boy - Endomondo device #45623 [6.3m, 75:34s, +245m total elevation, Black Boy pub]
HWPolice @ChrisPBacon - 1h25m @ChrisP Come in Chris….I repeat come in Chris….for the love of God, please come in…..
EssoServices @tigerinyourtank - 1h05m @Judy21 We have your husband on our forecourt. He's wandering around distressed and disorientated. Says he's missing his chips. We think he's lost his marbles. Please come and collect.