Date : 24/07/18
Hare : Helles Belles , Ron
Scribe : Speedbump
Venue : The Harrow
Hounds : 57     Dogs : 4
Recorded distance : 15.04 km
Recorded time : 99.88 min
Uphillness : 2892.00 ft

Hashers appear to sprout in a heat wave with a few more virgins. Including a welcome back to a contingent of hooked Hughenden Ladies Runners, lured in by the Parkrun takeover. The extra large pack grew and grew to 57 hashers who assembled outside the Harrow in Hughenden Valley. That was until Barney mentioned he had his fat bike in the boot and a selection of us got distracted.

Helen took command of the mob with an extensive array of options. In ascending order of length Short with short cut, Short of 4ish (I think), Long of 6ish, and Andy Long. Then not to forget there was also a walking contingent. There were such a wide spread of options that they were even colloquially referred to as Marks & Spencer clothing sizes. Crucially chips were booked for 9:15 so check it out!

Ok, chat it out, with the On-on up the hill barely heard over the din of natterers. When I say “up the hill” boy do I mean “up the hill”, that is for all except for the short Short hill cutters. This was true “Survival of the Fittest”, or well not traditional Darwinian “Survival of the Fittest”. More “Survival of not Quite the Fittest” or maybe “Survival of the Fittest & Smartest”, as the “Fittest & Dimmest” (of which I include myself) were less likely to survive because we got to do it twice!

At the top Helen directed the way, distributing the hounds with two options, a “Longer Flatter” for Andy and fellow FRBs and a “Shorter Steeper”. At this point my internal CD player pressed play on Daft Punk, “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” which predominantly repeats “… Work it harder. Make it better. Do it faster. Makes us stronger. …”. Maybe this reveals too much of the psyche of a FRB.

The descriptions where however somewhat misleading with the “Shorter Steeper” appearing to be more of a “Longer Steeper” that cyclically meandered around the woods. At least that is what it looked like from my perspective as an FRB which had on-backed back on-on up the hill to shepherd. To be met with the sound of a confused hare and the fingers of blame pointing as we rolled generally down to the bottom of the valley again to converge with the short Short hill cutters at the bottom.

On-on along the bottom of Hughenden valley we went into Hughenden Park, just to simply work our way steeply up the other side of Hughenden valley passed Hughenden Manor. This was Childs play, at least the stepping logs and balance beams were as we worked our way through the National Trust toys to the top of the hill.

A pause for breath and check it out, Helles hinting me on in order to help pick up the pace. The pack were moving and the FRBs had done the usual check and on-back twirl round the back of the pack and we were hot on the heels of Helles again who was making a break for it.

Ahead in the distance Helles Belles went right at the check and down towards the bottom of the valley, in the prevailing direction of the pub. Feeling smug that we knew the way we checked it out regardless in true FRB fashion. To our surprise, “On-on Left”, distancing ourselves from the pub and the opposite direction of Helles where we eventually popped out on Naphill common.

Helles rallied the troops, only 2 more miles to go! With many a hasher looking longingly at the ever inviting Wheel (The 2016 Hash Pub of the Year no less). It was all downhill from here, literally speaking, apart from a kick at the end to do two sides of the triangle in the final field. To be greeted by the welcome, but not expected, sumptuous supply of chips, bread and roast pork, thank you!

Roger whistled and came to the fore, welcoming Dan back to the hash in the only way he knows how. Describing him as Hawk Eye 2, now he has had his knee operation and something about his baby daughter being on steroids. Then onto Jo who has racked up a momentous 500 runs over 13 years, predominantly BG (Before Glenn) and is now the proud owner of an engraved Dartington Crystal tanker.

Matt W hollered and took to the bench with a creak and a groan, though only emitted from us Hashers who were less than convinced of the benches soundness. If you want in on wicking Hash T-Shirts then get in touch with Matt.

In the end it turned out M&S sizings was a more accurate analogy than anyone initially realised. With M&S sizings generally being exceedingly generous to tailor for a certain demographic. Helles Belles & Ron’s sizing certainly tailored to the FRB demographic and came up very comfortable for leg stretching. If the Hashtistics of 422 hashes are to be believed, this was the second longest run since records began at 15.04Km, compounded by a chart topping 2892.00ft of ascent.

Thanks to Helles Belles & Ron for an excellent hash, it was much enjoyed. It wasn’t anything revolutionary but it was certainly evolutionary! Congratulations if you are reading this you have made the cut! We may get to find those who didn’t in a month’s time at The Harrow Murder Mystery Hash.

Q: How do crazy runners go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Q: What do you get when you run in front of a car?