Date : 17/09/19
Hare : Sarah , Speedbump
Scribe : Stalker
Venue : The Old Oak
Hounds : 45     Dogs : 4
Recorded distance : 10.51 km
Recorded time : 0.00 min
Uphillness : 0.00 ft

Well, from Virgin Hare to Virgin Scribe I have been born again. Where do I begin? At the Old Oak of course, this pub, coincidentally, is being taken over in October by Sam, the landlord of The Stag, venue of our hash last week. Let’s hope the sinister “flour daubing” gang from Flackwell Heath don’t follow him!

In the last remnants of daylight the usual suspects gathered in the carpark, not that I witnessed that bit on account of being made late by Billy Whizz, I had to dash, tout de suite, for my pre hash wee whilst he redeemed himself by kindly parking my car for me. So before I knew it, it was On On and we were off! Where did we go? Well don’t ask me! It was dark and I have no sense of direction. However thanks to my trusty phone app I ended up with a nice little map, showing the 6.5 mile route we had taken, to reflect back upon. So I can tell you we headed first towards Beamond End before crossing the main A404 and into Penn Woods, soon arriving at The Squirrel where Lawrence reminisced about his first ever hash. I later came across him on a swing where he was quick to announce that was the only swinging I would be seeing from him. Was I expecting more?! Then it was on through the church car park where we passed the search & rescue squad resuscitating a dummy in the car park, or perhaps it was a hasher, it was hard to tell but chips were on the agenda so we didn’t stop to find out whether one of our own had succumbed to exhaustion, instead we headed off back across the A404 towards Mop End. Although we don’t usually bother about missing hashers, they always turn up eventually, apart from the one we don’t talk about, we did have a spontaneous regroup for a missing dog or should that be called a “Rio” group as Billy Whizz’s faithful friend lost the scent of his master and went on a very long On Back with Billy in hot pursuit. 

So apart from the pounding & panting of happy hashers, what else did I observe along the way? There was a lot of talk of cows and whether there was a possibility we might come across one. Helles Belles reassured us of how cute & cuddly they are having actually cuddled one herself. At this point the discussion seemed to divert to what comes out the other end of a cow, a “moovement” someone suggested, I think Matt, who seems to have some kind of fixation for rear ends, especially Helles Belles’s which he remarked was glowing particularly red in the darkness. He went on to suggest positions for a green light & I won’t mention where he said she could stick the amber one. Safe to say, it was his usual wise crack and before long amidst this jovial banter I found myself in a park looking for a back passage. A few missed the correct exit & hence the ‘8’ On Back but by this time everyone was set on finding the On Inn which, incidentally, in our rush to get back some of us never did! It was on these last roads back to civilisation I heard Helles Belles shout “Oh there’s sexy!” and no, she wasn’t referring to Matt, it was her old X-Trail parked in a driveway which she ran up to embrace as if it was just another huge cuddly cow!

Back at the Old Oak, we were treated to copious chippy chips, so copious in fact, I heard a rumour that Mr Chips actually gave some away. However, seeing is believing and I am not sure this could really be true. Having exhausted myself trying to be observant along the hash, I forgot to note what Roger waxed lyrical about in his post hash speech, all I know is that it had something to do with snow ploughs. I was also otherwise distracted by a heated debate between Lawrence & Mia as to who can bake the best rock cakes. Ingredients came under intense discussion and Mia pronounced “I am not faffing about with cherries”. The only way to find out, of course, is for them both to bake some and we can be the judges. So forget Bake Off next Tuesday, it is going to be Rock Off or Rock On On!

Many thanks to Ant & Sarah for a lovely hash & chips.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes? Fat, you get fat. What? Were you expecting a Pi joke?

How do you keep a cow quiet? Press the moooote button.