Chip Advisor

1226

The mud-free run
Date : 11/02/14
Hare : Keyboard Ken
Scribe : Scribbler
Hounds : 35     Dogs : 0
Recorded distance : 9.32 km
Recorded time : 88.78 min
Uphillness : 472.80 ft

Co-ordinator : Crucifixion or Stoning ?
Hasher#1 : Crucifixion please. 
Co-ordinator : Good. Through the gate, join the line on the left, straight up the muddy hill
[Next hasher]
Co-ordinator : Crucifixion or Stoning?
Hasher#2 : Er, no, the pub actually.
Co-ordinatorr : What?
Hasher#2 : Yeah, they said that I didn't have to run anymore, and I could just get a lift straight back to the pub from here. 
Co-ordinator : Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then. 
Hasher#2 : Nah, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really. 
Co-ordinator : [laughing] Oh yes, very good, Well….
Hasher#2 : Yes I know, through the gate, join the line on the left, straight up the muddy hill…

If you think this hash sounded Python-esque, it's because it was, defying all the normal hashing conventions…..well, at least 8 of them.

Convention #1 : Park at the pub, run from the pub
There was a star in the east guiding me…..no hang on, it was Ken with a big torch waving me into the Hampden School car park. Could it be that The Beaconsfield Arms was not quite as salubrious as the name suggested, and parking outside the pub was not to be advised ? [Clank !] The iron gate being locked behind us seemed to answer those questions…..we would now have to follow the ancient art of Kendo1 to survive.

Convention #2 : Listen to the pre-hash briefing
From Ken's original missive 'this will be an on-road, mud-free hash' [spoiler alert - it wasn't], to the fact the trail had been freshly laid and there was plenty of flour [spoiler alert - there wasn't, numerous people got lost], and that it was only a few kenometres1 long [lies, lies, lies], the pre-hash briefing caused more confusion than clarity. Oh, and with the dogs going ballistic, you couldn't hear a thing anyway.

Convention #3 : Help your fellow hasher
After the amusing irony of Byrony turning round at a check and telling everybody to 'Shush', we were then treated to an amusing mud-slinging match between Byrony and Andy. It was commented that Andy ('Shovel-foot' = potential hash name?) did possess an obvious advantage as the owner of 'size 25 feet' [note to Roger - think you've found your hash hobbit], and indeed seemed to escape pretty unscathed from battle. It was only later, with the inside of one leg covered in a mud-like substance (note : upper inner thigh if I'm being absolutely accurate) that Andy admitted to having felt rather unwell prior to this hash (Shiggy-leg = an alternative potential hash name?)

Convention #4 : Talk freely, as what goes on the hash, stays on the hash.
Erm, no it doesn't actually, especially not whilst I'm scribing. So Zorro's cross-dressing hash will remain a secret that I will take with me to my grave….not. Evidently, Oxford have a once-a-year hash (next week) when they all don pretty red dresses and flounce about out on a hash, which Zorro (our newly resident Didcot hasher) thought would be an excellent idea…answers on a postcard please.

Conversion #5 : Observe and obey the hash symbols
Gerry went all Kentish1 and refused a couple of doctor's orders, and there was a heated debate over a '9' that was/wasn't a '4'…..only the 'On Inn' was observed with alacrity by all & sundry following the final s**tometre1

Convention #6 : Clear, precise hash calling
'Roots'…..'Hole'…..'Microwave'…..what?! Oh, the joys of a semi-urban hash, with cries of 'Kebab', 'Special Brew' and 'Strippers' [in homage to The White Lion pub] ringing out across the clear Wycombe night sky.

Convention #7 : The GM silences the pub for his post-hash speech
It was amusing to see Roger lowering his voice in a pub for the first time ever, on account of the tattooed blokes 'wiv arrows looking menacingly at him from across the bar, their lower jaws hanging loosely open, dribbling with kenspeckle1. At least Roger has now got plenty of orc-extras lined up for his 60th birthday hash in a few weeks' time.

Convention #8 : The shorts finish all the chips off first
The usual Kentucky Derby1 did not materialise since Mike was absent, so there were plenty of chips to go around, albeit in plastic, non-breakable bowls - even Ken couldn't mess up this kenu1. Sarah did manage to smuggle in a huge Crocodile Dundee-style knife, much to the admiration of the afore-mentioned orc-like locals, but their faces fell when they realised she was only going to use it to cut her Birthday Cake.

In keeping with the start, the last word has to be similarly Python-esque - a conversation with a man in a fluorescent jacket walking a dog near Hamilton Hill:

Hashers : If you want to join HWH3, you have to really like mud and beer. 
Walker : I do !
Hashers : Oh yeah, how much?
Walker : A lot
Hashers : Right, you're in.

Matts dictionary


Notes

A guiding light - Ken, to the Hampden School carpark
Urban hash calls - microwave, Special Brew
Passed by The White Lion - stripper's pub
No Kendo, since Ken had an industrial bag of flour with him
kenu = chips in unbreakable plastic bowls
Roger didn't dare raise his voice, lest he upset the big men in the corner holding the 'arrows'
Drank Doombar and Sidepocket from Tring Brewery / Hawkeye told us how much he could drink without being over the limit, Phil told us how much he drank before he was tested over the limit and banned
Passer-by in Wycombe / invited to join hash / have to really like mud - see quote
Byrony telling everybody to shush
Byrony and Andy having a mud-slinging match - seemed to be honours even, although Andy 'Shovel-foot) did have an obvious advantage, possessing size 25 feet [note to Roger - think you've found your hobbit)
Zorro = Oxford's red dress hash / stopped in many pubs along the way / was obviously setting himself up for the White Lion
Woger….Roger offered everyone something to keep them warm at night - sweatshirts. However, with his testosterone apparently at an all time high ahead of his Lord of the Rings themed 60th (judging by last week's flow of double entendres) =Orc-like behaviour
Having survived an STD scare a couple of weeks ago (charged £2.40 for a Soft Tangy Drink at the Royal Oak, Stokenchurch…whatever did you think I meant ?!), Audra opted for a 'safer option' Diet Coke instead….but was still charged £2