KENATHON (n) ; A run or walk measured using arcane methods resulting in the actual distance being far longer that either stated or anticipated by participants.
KENATHON TERMINOLOGY ;
Short - long or very long
Long - Very long or unbelievably long
Flat - Hilly or at least undulating
Undulating - Very hilly
Hilly - North face of the Eiger
And a bit - At least another half mile but often over an additional mile (or more)
I do not belieeeve it! I'm sitting here listening to the BBC local weather forecast telling me that it is going to be dry and out there Noah is getting his Ark ready to float.........................
Now then Victor, how was it then?
Well Margaret, as I told you, it was chucking it down when I got there – oh and Matt arrived in some sort of cut down wellies so Barney lent him his spare running shoes, you remember, the ones that crippled me at Much Wenlock.
Oh yes Victor, I certainly do remember you going on and on about it for some time after!
Well they were like wearing a steel vice and I swear that they shrunk as we went along, anyhow, I sure didn't see Matt laughing afterwards.
So how did the actual run go?
Well, after Ken had told us a pack of half truths about the distance, we got going and, after most of us managed to cross the A40 by studiously avoiding the adjacent crossing, Ken did the decent thing and took me and Barney along the road instead of letting us loop through Raven Copse like the rest of the pack.
Then we went down the road to a layby where some lazy lorry driver was trying to get some zzz's. Soon woke him up I can tell you. A few "OnOn's" put paid to his sly kip.
So, just as I thought that it was all going swimmingly, we dive off down a flint littered path through a corn field. I tell you Margaret, there were enough flints to build a blooming cottage on that track.
Well Victor, at least it was downhill.
Yes Margaret, it was, and so was the next bit through Pophley's Wood although there were the usual array of trip hazards and one of the dogs nearly had me face down in the sh...iggy.
Mind you, when we emerged from the woods, the next field was also downhill and we saw a lovely rainbow (see photo). I am, however, still waiting to find the flat bit which I was told was at the end of it, the rainbow that is – flat, it was about as flat as the Lake District!
So what about the long/short split Victor, you always look forward to that.
Yes, Margaret, I was just coming to that. It was shortly after the lying rainbow and, as the longs ran off, uphill of course, Ken took us shorties along a lane and into Crowell Wood, which by the way is about half the size of Buckinghamshire if not bigger.
I swear, Margaret, that the whole path along the edge of the wood was uphill and I was not going well. I told you that the weekend of rich food instead of my usual beans on toast wouldn't do me any good.
H'mmmm and no wind assistance either eh Victor.
No, anyway at last Ken and the other couple of our number masquerading as shorties finally stopped and at last I catch up only to be told that the next bit was also not exactly a billiard table which I can tell you it certainly wasn't.
Yes, there was a lovely sunset, but it was impossible to see it properly through the trees and rivers of sweat blinding me!
Were there any bits that you enjoyed Victor?
Well Margaret, when we finally got out of Crowell – size of the Home Counties – Wood, there was a nice downhill bit before, you guessed it, we went uphill again through some other blasted wood before coming out at Mallard's Court I think.
I was right knackered by now, then Ken gaily tells us we are "nearly there" before setting off up that 1 in 3 hill to the Royal Oak – you know the one. I might have mentioned it before?
Ooh yes Victor, you certainly have done that!
So then you were back to the pub, how was that?
Well, the beer was wet and I have to say that Ken redeemed himself with the chips which were RSJ sized and more numerous than even we could chomp through.
No Trencherman Mike then?
No Margaret. I think he thought as it was bound to be a Kenathon, he would give it a miss.
What about the long runners then Victor?
Haaa. They trailed in at a quarter to ten looking pretty cream crackered I can tell you. Kevin looked like he had been ten rounds with Mike Tyson when Iron Mike was in his prime.
So you are not going next week then Victor?
Course I am. Now where is it – The Gate at Bryant's blooming up and down Bottom – I do not belieeeve it!
In all seriousness, well done to Keyboard Ken for setting a fine if knackering run whilst injured. Truly a Hash Legend.