Chip Advisor

1482

Date : 06/11/18
Scribe : Conehead
Hounds : 41     Dogs : 4
Recorded distance : 10.12 km
Recorded time : 89.23 min
Uphillness : 1252.00 ft

Another Tuesday night and this time we head for the Mayflower Hazelmere for a surprisingly warm but wind chilled Hash.

Following our leader’s introduction our two hares take over explaining that the courses were laid Saturday but that Glen would be running long and Jo short so we should be able to find our way with some prompting if necessary. So without further ado we are off and, following the slight signs of flour head in the direction of common wood , splitting on the outskirts of the wood the longs hare off through the wood to the far edge where taking a sharp right we head back into the wood to re-join the shorts course and bearing left head along the length of the wood to a plethora of on backs, unusually increasing in number until by 10 back practically everyone has had a go.

We again split from the shorts turning to the right heading another way into the wood to a further point where we turn sharp right and head back to the shorts course then heading right finally make it to the end of the wood where, the shorts split off from us.

We continue and finally make it to open farmland where we manage to leave behind a diligent novice hasher checking the wrong way, beyond on on hearing. We are soon heading in the direction of the pub, and as Mark catches back up, just as many think we go right to the pub, we go left and head back into Common Wood on one of the few paths we hadn’t already taken, again, joining the short course. Back through the wood and finally On Inn where luckily not all the very tasty chips had been eaten by the shorts. We also were treated to some delicious cake. Rodger made his usual speeches giving out a well-deserved 250 runs t-shirt to Audrey and presenting the tosca to Nicola for downing dubious cider despite many hasher’s mistaking the Black Lion for the Black Horse (hope they never go on Safari) which must have been a very close second.

Rogers closing words were Martin put in lots of jokes so here are some running related.

A man walks into a pub with a horse and says, "pint for me and one for the horse." The barman eyes the horse suspiciously but pulls the pints for them both. The man drinks his pint in one go and so does the horse. The man again says, "pint for me and one for the horse."

Again, the same thing happens, both the man and the horse down the drinks in one. The man asks for a third pint for himself and the horse and again they both down it in one. After this third pint the man walks towards the door and the horse collapses in heap at the bar. The barman calls to the man leaving, "what about this lying here?" The man turns around and replies, "that's not a lion, it’s a horse"

You want to hear a dirty joke? A boy in a white shirt fell in the Shiggy. You want to hear a dirtier joke? He got back up and fell back down in more Shiggy. You want to hear a clean joke? He took a bath with Bubbles in it. You want to hear the dirtiest joke so far? Bubbles is the girl next door.

A man decides he has got to lose some weight, and sees an advert in his local paper.
 He calls the company, who offer three programmes: he chooses the first, guaranteed to lose 5lb in one week. 
Ten minutes later, a pretty girl arrives at his door, wearing nothing but running shoes.
She says "I can run quite fast, but if you can catch me, you can have me".
 This happens each day for a week, and sure enough he’s lost 5lb at the end of the week.
He decides to try the next programme up – guaranteed to lose 10lb in a week.

A stunningly beautiful woman arrives as his door, wearing only running shoes, and says “I can run very fast, but if you can catch me, you can have me” Again this happens every day for a week, and at the end he’s lost a further 10lb.
So he decides to try the top-of-the-range programme, guaranteed to lose 20lb in a week. The salesman asks him if he’s quite sure, but he insists.
 Ten minutes later a big, beefy bloke turns up at his door, and says “get your running shoes on mate, because if I can catch you, you’re mine”.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"


"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"


"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
 He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"


So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! 

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, moved over closer.


"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"


Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" 

"Nope.........only when it's raining"

And finally

Knock Knock. Who's there?
The guy who finished second.
The guy who finished second who? Exactly.

Knock Knock Who's there?
Iran! Iran who? Iran over here to tell you this!

Knock Knock Who's there?
Money. Money who? My knee hurts when I run. 



Knock Knock Who's there?
Stopwatch! Stopwatch who? Stopwatch your doing and go hashing!