Chip Advisor

The Village Hall

Chalfont St Peter

Chip advice dated: 1 March 2016 - Hash #no 1337

Up down pub ranking

3 ales on - Doombar, Fullers Pride & Adnams Broadside, all at a rather toppy £3.90 a pint, but then I guess we were in a rather posh area. However, the Adnams wasn’t on when we got there (it was just being changed), and it still wasn’t on 20 mins later when Hawkeye called for a refill (still being changed?), and still wasn’t on another 20 mins later when we were leaving the pub, by which time Hawkeye was feeling distinctly short-changed. Not being a fan of Doombar, I had considered the Pride, but had a sip of Sooper’s at the bar and thought it rather bland, almost watery (later confirmed by Hawkeye). So, I splashed out another 30p on the ‘Camden Hells’ Lager (since it was relatively mild that evening, and on the cusp of acceptable lager drinking temperature) which came in its own special frosted glass and was rather good. Still, judging by the grumbling coming from Hawkeye’s end of the table (“There’s no bacteria here…..but no bloody beer either!”), there was considerable room for improvement
Not beer:
£2.00 for a Lime & Soda, and could have been the same again for a half, given that Sarah conducted her usual algebra test for the table as to the cost of a soft drink; i.e. rather than just asking at the bar. “Well, I bought a half of beer, and a pint & a half of L&S and it cost me £6.80, so if beer = x and L&S = y, then 1x + 1.5y = £6.80….”. I’ll save you the trouble, but if that was the case, then y = £3.20! You may ask ‘y’ pay that much for a soft drink in the 1st place, but then I’m not a teacher. And I’m not pregnant either….quiet in the cheap seats please! Either way, not good on the softies.
Now we’re talking. When chips are served on an industrial sized platter, overflowing at the edges = GOOD. When chips are placed directly in front of Mike, who has been ‘potatoe’ genetically-modified over the years = NOT SO GOOD. Claw-like hands, elongated nails, and an asbestos-coated tongue, all enable Mike to consume chips far faster and in greater quantities than the average human being. The first platter resembled a piranha-feeding frenzy, after which the hashers paused to listen to/heckle Roger’s hash speech, but when a second identical platter emerged, Roger’s audience disappeared quicker than you could say ‘Tosca Awards’, and the chip feeding frenzy continued. A third, almost apologetic platter appeared towards the end of the evening, which saw off all but the most dedicated of chip munchers…..only GM Mike remained standing (or sitting), scratching his fingers along the platter to capture the last crumbs of congealed chip fat. What a trooper - an inspiration to all hashers!
As Sarah commented, “If last week’s venue was a pub of 2 halves, then this week’s is a pub of 2 pubs”. Indeed. Once I’d found the pub [see ‘Overheard on the Hash’ below], it took me 5 minutes of wandering through the front bar, and the quiz room (both evidently belonging to ‘The Jolly Farmer’), before I found ‘The Village Inn’ (adjoined next door), and then tucked around the corner in ‘The Function Room’, huddled the red fleeced hashers. To be fair, it was more of a functional room, with all breakable furniture removed, and nothing of any value on the walls….maybe the pub thought the Hashers were actually ‘A Running Club with a Smoking Problem’? Elsewhere, the rest of the adjoining room was taken up by a huge tv screen which seemed to pacify the locals, but did little for the overall atmosphere, as it meant most of the bar area was pre-colonised. Having been already told we couldn’t park anywhere near the pub for fear of pissing off the aforesaid locals, let’s just say leave it that this wasn’t the cosiest of pubs eh?


Hummery: A pub of 2 pubs - The Jolly Farmer and The Village Inn. Less of the ‘Jolly’ and more of the ‘Farmer’ inside though, as this was a pub of wide open agricultural spaces, with a quiz in one half and a full-screen football match in the other half….and us hashers crammed into the Darts Area. Rather pricey and short on atmosphere, but at least the ‘Farmer’ came in useful as we ended up long on chips!


Overheard on the hash (1st March 2016)

“Is this where the pub is meant to be?”  “I don’t know, I was looking for the playground?”  “Are we on the North or South side of the Common?”  “Search me, I had problems even getting here, going down narrower & narrower lanes until I was practically on the verges!” [It’s not often that the Hash gets lost BEFORE the start of a run]

“I still don’t know where I am” “You’re on Goldhill Common” “It feels more like the Goldhill Golden Triangle, where runners go and some never come back….” [Move over Bermuda, you have some competition!]

“It’s alright, I used to live round here, so I’ve got some local knowledge” “Great, which way is the pub from here then” “Erm, I think it’s that way” [Ade points left] “No, it’s THAT way” [Paul points right]

“I’ll follow you across this field Kev - if you get a ‘sinky’ feeling, then we should all start worrying”

“I CAN SEE OZZIE’S HOUSE FROM HERE” [Ade continues his sotto voce tour of the area]

“OY, IF YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL  YOU CAN GET SPANGLES IN THIS FIELD”  [Ade checks the signs on the gatepost] “I think it says ‘Stranglers’ Ade?”  [Matt corrects Ade] “Ah, well…Stranglers, Spangles….it’s all the same thing - I was a child of the 80’s me!”

“Impressive bandage - have you hurt your knee Sooper?”  “Well, it does twinge a bit, but I’ll manage…” [Sooper winces theatrically] A “Were you expecting any sympathy?”  “No, not really….well, just a little bit maybe” “You should have borrowed Hawkeye’s polio leg brace then”  “Does he get any sympathy wearing it?”  “No, but it’s good for a laugh”  


Rogette’s Of The Week

“And it’s a 200 t-shirt for Sandra!” [cue round of applause] “Oh look, and this is one of Gerry’s specials….it even matches the colour of Sandra’s eyes” [Roger holds up a t-shirt with a large 200 in psychedelic red & orange colours] “Erm, I hope those are NOT the colour of Sandra’s eyes…..because she might be dead if they were!” [comment from the floor….or maybe even from Sandra’s slightly-concerned husband, Alan]



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